For What, Exactly, Am I Thankful?

While there certainly are things for which I am thankful, things that I don't take for granted, Thanksgiving itself doesn't turn on my tap of gratitude.  I love and appreciate my friends and family.  Even though I'm on the lower end of the middle class in this country, I'm extremely grateful that by world standards I am fabulously wealthy.  I have a great job that is often fun and puts food on the table and a roof over my family's head.  So what, you might ask, is the problem?

Simply stated, the holiday of Thanksgiving itself is the problem.  Here's why:

1. I'm thankful every day, not just when a holiday tells me to be.
2. I like turkey, but not enough to work so hard for it.  I actually like the side dishes better.
3. Someone gets disappointed if the meal is not traditional.  We should be able to have pizza and still have a great Thanksgiving.  I think some folks have misplaced priorities.
4. If it's really about being thankful, I get that and support it.  But what it seems to commemorate is the mass slaughter of millions of turkeys in order to misrepresent what actually may not have happened on the 1st Thanksgiving.  
5. And while we're talking about the first Thanksgiving, I need to get something off my chest.  I hate the Pilgrims.  Sure they were brave trailblazers, but let's be honest.  They didn't come here to be brave.  They came here because no one else wanted them.  They were self-flagilating, abusive, pejorative, bible literalists who were impossible to live near or with.  Not only would this have been a better country had they never been here, but their decedents and (slightly) updated ideas are responsible for much of what is wrong in our country.
6. Am I the only one who thinks the holiday feast is not only decadent, but wasteful?  Does anyone really need that much food?  Now I'm being pejorative, but I believe it's offensive to stuff yourself when people are starving. 

A Thing That Doesn't Exist

One of the tenants by which I try to live is, "If you have cats, keep your chicken well-hidden."  So, I never put chicken breasts under my pillow because the cats are smart enough to find them and try to dig them out as I sleep.  It's a simple cause and effect principle that works in my favor.  But as the cats would understand it if they could read this, it doesn't work in their favor.

Usually, I find myself in situations that are more-comparable to that of the cats.  Because I tend not to think the same way as larger groups (nothing against larger groups, we're just different), I often find myself isolated;  an outlier, to borrow a term from Malcolm Gladwell.  Here's a good example—I like candy bar called a Violet Crumble.  It's delicious, but unusual.  For this reason, they are not easy to find outside of large cities.  Most folks would rather have a Snickers, so that's what stores that sell candy bars stock.  This isn't a "poor me" complaint.  It's just how things are.

Many of you know that I play the harmonica.  Thank you.  Thank you very much.  You're too kind.  This is the whole reason I brought up this dismal subject.  Harmonicas are the Violet Crumble of the musical instrument world.  Fewer and fewer music stores sell them and the ones that do charge full price because there's no real competition that would bring the prices down.  It's a dying instrument.  I have a very hard time finding the particular harmonica I like, the Hohner Chrometta 10, let alone finding it at a good price.

So, I've taken to experimenting with less-expensive harmonicas.  You can get a pretty good diatonic harmonica (the little one you're used to seeing cowboys and prison inmates play) at places like Target.  They usually come with a beginning harmonica book and sound pretty good.  Because they're diatonics, you can't play sharps and flats on them;  that pretty much means you can't play anything that wasn't written by Stephen Foster or sung by Ringo Starr.  But, I like the constraint that limitation puts on me—necessity is the mother of invention and all.  So, I went a step even lower in non-pedigreed harmonicas;  I purchased a toy harmonica with a plastic cover.  It's actually in tune, but you really have to use a lot of wind to get a tone out of it—the exact opposite of what would be good for a child.  I can still bend notes, but I really have to work hard to get a nice tone out of it.

I'm not going to switch solely to toy harmonicas anytime soon, but it's a nice thing to have in my repertoire.

Oh Cami, Why?

Straying a bit from my fiction mandate, I have to tell you about what happened to our dog, Cami!  Yesterday, she started rubbing her back and face on the floor and the walls.  She was clearly itchy.  She had no fleas and we had just applied her topical flea medication the day before.  After some research on the web, it was determined that she was having an allergic reaction to her discount brand flea medication. So, she was given a bath, which seemed to help a little.  Then, she was given a Benedryl.  Then a second bath. Then, the lethargy began.  Not knowing what else to do, we took her to the emergency vet.  We were told that we'd done everything right and that she could also use a little Pepcid to keep her tummy from reacting.

We brought her home and everything was fine.  The next day, she was fine, too. But then, she started with the lethargy again.  And then, the yelping in pain.  Finally, dry heaving.  So, back to the vet.

A word to the wise;  if you can avoid going to the only emergency pet hospital on your end of the county on a Sunday, you should.  We waited for three hours before a vet could see poor Cami.  But the poor other animals that went first were in even worse shape.  One dog ate a bee and was having an allergic reaction to a sting in his mouth.  A cat was found hiding with a bloody face and broken jaw.  Another dog couldn't stop vomiting.

Finally, it was Cami's turn.  After blood work and x-rays, it was determined that she had eaten something granular that was moving through her intestines, but causing some pancreatitis.

Now, Cami has a big lump on her back from her subcutaneous fluid injection and a bunch of different medicines to take.  But, she's clearly feeling better.  It was a rough day for the poor thing.  It could have been a much worse day for us, but Cami's going to be fine and we have pet insurance.

And what did she eat?  We don't know. But I think it was cat litter.  Have a look at the x-ray, below, and see what you think it is.  Put your guesses in the comments, and I'll let you know what it was when it passes.

The Most-Horrifying Jawless Fish in the World

Those of you who know me know that the lamprey is my personal nemesis.  I cannot and will not forgive them just because it isn't their fault that they exist.  Their rasping teeth and blood-sucking ways were clearly designed to upset me, personally. I don't mind if you like a lamprey, hagfish or candiru as long as you don't try to make me like them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4mA6zvMzQQ

And hagfish for good measure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYRr_MrjebA

AMAZING hagfish slime demonstration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb2EOP3ohnE

The Illustrating Man

Many years ago, I got paid for drawing cartoons.  That wasn't the full extent of my job, but it a part of it that I loved.  I was often given a general description of what was needed and I could take it from there, adding humor to my liking.  Other times, I was simply told to "add something funny" to spice things up in an otherwise boring document.

Although I miss getting paid for my work, I still draw cartoons for fun.  I'm planning on posting some of the hobby cartoons here, one day.  But in the meantime, here are some that I got paid to draw.

Cheese.  Drawn in PowerPoint and filtered in Photoshop.

CRUD:  Create, Read, Update, Delete

Recent Discoveries in Cryptozoology

As you know, cryptozoology is the study of animals that can't be proven to exist.  But, it's most famous poster children, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra, have become tiresome, much like your dog;  everyone has one.

Fortunately, the cryptozoological community has been awakened by many alleged new discoveries in recent months.  How lucky you are that I know what they are and can list them, here.

• The Toenail Fairy:  Wild but not so woolly, The Toenail Fairy is a semi-intelligent mutated macaque with the ability to fly using it's leathery, bat-like wings.  The Toenail Fairy flies into your children's rooms at night and checks to see if they've left their toenail clippings under their pillow.  If they have, it takes the clippings and rewards the tykes with a partially eaten mango.  If there is no keratin offering, the children are punished with a partially eaten mango.
• Stone Tops:  Most people have touched a stone top without even realizing it.  A stone top is a tortoise-like mammal that lives partially buried in lawns.  It feeds on grubs and insects in the roots of grass with it's 3-foot-long burrowing tongue.  Once buried, it may never have to move again.  It has a stone-like shell on its back and often camouflages itself as a stepping stone.  If you didn't place those stones yourself, you may have a stone top family living single-file in your grass.  The wobbly stones in your path are actually stone tops trying to get away when you step on them.  They can be gently pried up and moved as long as their claws are facing away from you.
• Pore Urchins:  These are very tiny parasites that slip into human pores and feed on our negative feelings about ourselves.  They are able to extend woody spines into the pore walls causing irritation and infection.  It's to their advantage to cause our faces to break out with acne, making us feel worse about ourselves which makes them larger and the acne worse.  Unfortunately, most of the teenagers which they afflict don't have enough sustained periods of happiness to starve the pore urchins.
• Air Jellies:  Composed of wispy, gossamer, nearly invisible membrane, air jellies inhale water vapor and exhale helium and oxygen.  They retain some of the helium in their balloon-like lungs and are thus able to float.  When you've felt something brush up against you only to turn and find nothing, that was an air jelly.  And when you feel a single drop of rain on a sunny day, they're peeing on you.
• Latrine Salmon:  Humans have an innate fear of relieving themselves in a dirty bathroom.  This is an evolutionary adaptation to fight the latrine salmon.  The latrine salmon is a form of paramecium with a very powerful flagellum.  It is capable of swimming up the urine stream, through the urethra and into the bladder where it secrets an enzyme that makes urine extremely acidic.  The result has cost unsuspecting Americans a fortune as their urine burns holes in their sewer pipes.
• Hog Hedges:  This surprisingly intelligent and tasty animal is a pig that camouflages itself as a hedge.  They are generally friendly unless you try to trim them.
• Hawaii:  The big island of Hawaii is actually a gargantuan, slow-moving coconut crab feeding on the bottom of the Pacific.
• Volkswagons:  The Volkswagon Beetle is actually the shell of a ginormous beetle hollowed out and mounted on a drive train.  The ginormous beetle is indigenous to Wolfsburg, Germany and a secret well-protected by the locals who don't want you to know that its milk is a primary ingredient in lagers.
• Wereweasels:  Normally a ferret, the wereweasel becomes a CIA operative when the moon is full.  It is not particularly valuable as an agent because it retains the intelligence of a ferret in both of it's forms.

Conspiracies of Which I Have Become Aware

Just because there are a lot of insane conspiracy theorists out there doesn't mean that there are no wild and wacky conspiracies.  For example, I recently became aware that most hotel televisions have built-in cameras and, if the front desk staff likes what they see, they broadcast it live on the adult pay-per-view channels in other rooms.  But that's just the tip of the iceberg (most of which have frozen australopithecines in them, whom, despite what you've been told, had a thriving spaceflight program).  So, in an effort to enlighten you and your friends (and I would appreciate it if you'd send your friends here to read this), here is a list of the conspiracies I've discovered in the last 36 hours.  My sources are conveniently linked.

1. You've been misled regarding the origin of bagels.  They are not a donut-shaped loaf of bread.  They are actually a vegetable.  Bonus conspiracy:  Cheerios are bagel seeds.  All those bagel farmers don't want you planting your own Cheerios and putting them out of business.
2. A cauliflower actually is a cross between a collie and a flower.  You're eating the brain.  Before being harvested, cauliflowers can be housebroken.  
3. President Obama is actually 900 feet tall.  The media isn't in love with him; they're scared he'll eat them.  So, they'll do anything to hide the truth.
4. Equal (the sugar substitute in the blue packet) exists only in a quantum state.  That's why when you open the package you can immediately taste it in the air.  Before you open the packet, there is a 50% chance that it is there and a 50% chance it is being eaten by Schrodinger's cat.
5. The moon is a peep hole for our alien overlords.  They're 900 feet tall, too. President Obama is half alien overlord, half African American, and half spinner dolphin, which proves he was born in Hawaii because that's the only place where it is legal for alien overlords and dolphins to marry.  Oh, and President Obama finds voters with echo location.
6. The Sydney Opera House was once the helmet of a 900-foot war sloth that our alien overlords vanquished.
7. The Egyptian pyramids, contrary to popular conspiracy theories, were not created by aliens.  They were actually built in 1958 by the Walt Disney Company which then used its vast resources to fake all the history regarding them.  There's a roller coaster inside the Great Pyramid of Cheops that was a prototype for Space Mountain, but when Ali Mahir Pasha was killed during a private ride, it was never used again.  Bonus Conspiracy:  Egyptologists are all Imagineers.
8. Some mirrors are gateways to The Phantom Zone.  Most aren't, but don't break them because you wouldn't want to accidentally release General Zod, Jimmy Hoffa or Amelia Earhart (who was actually a people-eating were-eagle). 
9. Where does all that hot air in clothes dryers come from?  It comes from The Phantom Zone.  That's where your socks are.
10. Milk comes from milkweed.  Cows give au jus and gravy is skimmed off the top.
11. "Johnny Appleseed" is a true story, except for the fact that he didn't distribute apple seeds;  that's the cleaned-up version.  He really distributed marijuana seeds and stems from George Washington's hemp farm.
12. Barry Manilow has the power to cloud men's minds, but not women's.
13. If you have gopher holes in your lawn, check inside it to see if there are genetically-engineered 3-inch-tall Amish people in them.  It was the only way they could save themselves from the temptations of our world.
14. Yarn is made by very big spiders.
15. Dental floss is not made by large spiders.  It is made by large silkworms.
16. "Heroes" is filmed live as it happens.  It's a documentary.  
17. The real reason for washing hands after mowing the lawn is that if your skin has enough dirt on it, grass can grow on you.  Astroturf is grass that was grown on cows.
18. On the mornings when you wake up even more tired than usual knowing that you got a good night's sleep, it's because the government drugged you so they could harvest brain tissue with memories of how you saw the truth behind these conspiracies.  They use a special computer-controlled hook to pull it through your nose.  The brain tissue is dried, pressed and used to make the ceiling lining of cars.  Hence "smartcars."
19. If everything on the Earth were eliminated, except for nematodes, you'd still be able to see the outline of everything.

Evil Genius Patent Application

FIELD OF THE INVENTION
The present invention relates to group remotely-inflicted injury systems and methods and, more particularly, to an electronic remotely-inflicted injury system and method creating multiple wounds.

BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION
One traditional method for facilitating remotely-inflicted injury to relatively small groups, such as in an educational or theater environment, includes the use of a spiked metal ball or razors on Frisbees. According to this familiar method, the injured has a series of spiked metal balls that are manually swung from an overhead series of disco balls in a predetermined order. While unspiked metal balls are sometimes inserted to allow the injured to dynamically choose the type of wound during the remotely-inflicted injury, the injurer is unlikely to de-spike a previously-spiked ball as such an alteration would likely ruin the ball for future use.

Recent advances in automation have addressed some of the shortcomings of this traditional remotely-inflicted injury method. In one instance, a computer's video output can now be connected to a projector so that a computer generated slide show of remotely-inflicted injury instruction can be shown on a screen; sometimes with animation. However, this introduction of automation does not change the limited and crude nature of the remotely-inflicted injury materials and methods.

Accordingly, there remains a need for a dynamic remotely-inflicted injury system and method that allows the injurer to effectively, remotely and dynamically control weapons that can easily be modified and augmented according to each environment in which the remotely-inflicted injury is made.

SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION
The present invention addresses these and other needs with a system and method that provides multiple wounding methods for remotely-inflicted injury as well as permitting dynamic modifications to remotely-inflicted injury materials that do not permanently alter the remotely-inflicted injury materials. The remotely-inflicted injury materials can easily be directed to inflict any one of the types of wounds and any modifications can be saved for future use or simply disposed of.

One aspect of the present invention relates to a system for providing electronic remotely-inflicted injury in which the system includes, for example, a plurality of remotely-inflicted injury weapons stored in a robotically-accessed storage system accessible by a programmable robotic arm.  The remotely-inflicted injury system also includes a remotely-inflicted injury control software application that is stored in memory accessible by the programmable computer wherein the programmable computer is configured to execute the remotely-inflicted injury control application to provide an interface, displayed on a display screen, by which each of the plurality of weapons is dispatched for injury to create any of the injured’s wounds.

Complaints My Great, Great Grandmother Made Since Being Reanimated After More Than 100 Years in the Grave

•   Really?  That's the headstone they bought for me?  Feh!
•   No, I don't want to eat your brains!  Not without a little chicken schmaltz.
•   Who do you have to kill to get a potato knish around here?
•   When I was a girl we had to give our coats to the horse because coats are for when you work for a living!
•   This was such a beautiful neighborhood, until the Protestants moved in.  Them and their bland cooking!
•   You could burn a lump of coal in here every once in a while.  It's colder than a carp's tuchis in here!
•   Television?  Why do I want to see something that happened in Los Angeles three weeks ago?
•   The president's a what?
•   Oy! My skin is so dry!  Especially when it's sloughing off in 1-pound slabs!
•   Schlomo Rosenberg, now that was a knish salesman!
•   In my day, you only had a cat if you had a rat.
•   Wipe off that lipstick!  Your mouth looks like a hen's tuchis in cherry season!
•   You expect me to go in the house?  That's disgusting!  Where's the outhouse?
•   This is music?  He's just shouting.  That trollop should put some clothes on!
•   We didn't have a toaster.  We toasted day-old bread over a candle!
•   We were so poor, our roaches moved to a better neighborhood!
•   Our apartment was so small, only one person could be in it at a time.  When we moved out they made it into a casket!
•   McKinley's dead?  I didn't even know he was sick!
•   Yes, we had telephones.  I'm not that old.  Now my grandmother, she was 2 years younger than G-d.
•   A shower every day is a waste of water.  Water is for when you work for a living!
•   We lived far out in the country.  You know, Brooklyn.
•   I need a telephone in my purse like a need a hole in the head!
•   If I had known my great, great grandson would marry a shikse...  Feh!  I have no great, great grandson!

Autonomy

I cannot emphasize enough that my cats do love me.  Just because they don't show it in the obsequious manner in which a dog would doesn't mean it isn't there.  Their love and other emotions are demonstrated throughout the day, but are most obviously authenticated during their morning entry into my bedroom.  They all have something to exhibit and, naturally, it's in a preordained pattern.

1.  Addison would like to be petted, but sits just beyond arm's reach.
2.  Ava likes the "Twilight" series, but doesn't like the parts with werewolves.
3.  Tokori is sure that he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place.
4.  Harper is tracking a fly.
5.  Scarlett has figured out that the red dot comes from the laser.
6.  Barry will bathe anything that moves.
7.  Mort likes texturized vegetable protein, but would appreciate it if you didn't tell.
8.  Isabelle is about to leap from the dresser to my head.
9.  Bronwen demands bangers without the mash.
10.  Misty has a thing for Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
11.  Gordon 3 started a novel he can't finish.
12.  Logan doesn't like your name.
13.  Hortense will hiss if you don't let her sniff your hand before petting her.
14.  If you upset Cody, it's your fault.
15.  Misha wants out.
16.  Grady just gave me a bird.
17.  Rollo peed on the drapes because he thought you wanted him to.
18.  Noah puts his tail in the air like he just don't care.
19.  Elijah wants a seat at the dinner table.
20.  Martin is looking behind the TV to see where the basketball went.
21.  Aimee promises not to kill me.
22.  Dara would not hesitate to eat me if I were dead.
23.  Yuna is not trustworthy because she hates The Beatles AND Shakespeare.
24.  Bob thinks he can take on guys half his age and twice his size.
25.  Sheila is fair and balanced.
26.  Shelly is fairly unbalanced.
27.  Omar says Merry Christmas, not Seasons Greetings.
28.  Miffy would like a PS3 so that she can play Assassin's Creed.
29.  Tingles is very tired.
30.  Patty can have what she wants for 4 easy payments of $29.95.
31.  Dave couldn't possibly be any cleaner.
32.  Daffodil scratched the hell out of me.
33.  Falco doesn't have the greatest voice, but loves to sing.
34.  Theodore refinanced, but has buyer's remorse because he paid down the percentage rate.
35.  Jager enjoyed eating the plastic thing that the newspaper comes tied in.
36.  Faith only likes other white cats.
37.  Ernie can't remember why he hid his toy mouse.
38.  Ned is playing a dangerous game with the fishtank.
39.  Stone is a pathological liar with scruples.
40.  Jane married up and retired.
41.  Sunny isn't.
42.  Ishmael smells something he likes.
43.  Steve has marked me as his.
44.  Nell is never interested in anything anyone has to say.
45.  Cole sleeps 22 hours a day.
46.  Bree is cleaning herself in impossible ways.
47.  Gilgamesh had bladder stones removed but is not getting Viagra no matter how much he begs.
48.  Enya votes by party.
49.  Tom wants to be alone.
50.  Elizabeth likes neither Andrew Lloyd Webber nor T.S. Eliot.

Reverse Prophecy

The things you're all doing today might not turn out so well.  I can't say what will happen for sure; I'm not psychic.  But I do have a list that claims to be from the future.  It was finely etched on a tiny rock in a small envelope sealed in a 35mm film canister that bobbed up through my toilet.  I'm reprinting it here as a public service.  How much faith you put into it is up to you.

This Is A Holy Document From Your Future!
Open Now for Important Changes to Your Account!
Change of Address Requested

I am Saint Greblor.  I am not a saint as I write this, but a holy document from my future self assures me that I will soon be a saint in The Church of Your Future.  In our church, rather than relying on unreliable prophecies from the past that attempt to predict the future, we get our information directly from the future.  You will learn more about me in future communications because I like to carve stuff about myself in tiny rocks. But for now I have limited time to get important information to you.  Remember, just because I wrote this on a rock doesn't mean it's written in stone.  There is still hope.  I am sending you important, horrifying facts from my past which is your future in an effort to get you to change your evil ways, which is actually a perfect segue to my frightening chronological list.

2020
The sound from Carlos Santana's farewell guitar solo broadcast from a giant speaker on a satellite will shatter the last remaining iceberg. It's shards will be used to chill glasses of Zima, which has been brought back to great fanfare in an Internet advertising campaign starring Carlos Santana.
2021
President Palin signs a bill legalizing execution by stoning of recalcitrant children, starting with Trig who voted for Bristol.
2023
Genetic engineering produces the first talking cockroaches.  They tell us that they will happily move out of our homes if we give them the dignity of union employment with a fair wage.
2024

President Montana is the first candidate to run in character and win.

2026
Ted Williams' head is reanimated.  He later commits suicide after realizing that he can never see the game over the person in front of him.
2027
The beneficial side of global warming results in surfing competitions in West Virgina.  The not-so-good side of global warming is that some of West Virginia is still above water.
2028
The first prosthetic head is tested.  It's a small plastic box that hangs around the neck.  The first recipient, Paris Hilton (who had her real head torn off in a tragic sex tape accident), discovers that it actually makes her more intelligent.
2030
A 5-mile-wide asteroid collides with the moon.  The resulting impact crater looks just like William Shatner, actual size. Trekkers take this as a sign and start The First Church of Trek which is eventually challenged by a spin-off Church of the Next Generation.  Both churches are eventually cancelled.
2031
Genetically-engineered talking chimps, orangutans, gorillas and gibbons run a persuasive campaign to run the United Nations.  They are defeated by genetically engineered talking Fox News anchors.
2032
Disney buys the whole planet.  It is now a world of laughter, a world of tears.
2033
I carve this note.

Heed my warning.  For you, it is only 2009 and you still have time.  Stop your current President Madonna from signing the My Boy Bill and none of this will happen.  Which means that if you do stop her, I can't write this note. Which means, oh forget it.

This Is the Way Things Are. Period.

Righteous indignation is not an emotion to be toyed with.  It is very powerful and can cause tremendous heartache for those who misuse it. (I'm looking at you, Dylan McDermott!)  The road home from Washington, D.C. is littered with the vulture-festooned, decayed carcasses of those who overplayed the "How-dare-you-sir!" card.

But righteous indignation exists for a reason and does have a legitimate purpose.

You may ask, "And what is that purpose?"

Answer:  When you have to wait more than one second for the person ahead of you to proceed through a green light.  This is the only legitimate reason to be outraged.

For some reason, I have found that only people who live on the West Side of Los Angeles understand this basic tenant of existence as a quorum.  People in more-rural environs or namby-pamby cities clearly don't grasp that the appropriate reaction to this crime against humanity is to lay on your horn for at least six seconds for every second you are made to wait.

There is one other reason for righteous indignation, although it is clearly not as crucial to the continued existence of humanity as the previous reason.  If you are riding a bicycle in a tight, brightly-colored outfit on a mountain road with no bicycle lane, you must righteously stay in the middle of the car lane and never swerve into a turnout to let the 100 yards of cars lined up behind you pass.  The DMV has given you right of way in every instance where you come in contact with a car.  So, you must protect that right at all costs.  You are absolutely right to do so.  Dead right.

Oh, yeah!  Righteous indignation is also the appropriate reaction if someone signals to change lanes in front of you.  You should show how right you are in this instance by speeding up and not letting the other person in.  After all, Hell would be released from its bindings if someone got ahead of you.  Doesn't the other person realize that the freeway is really a race?  How can you win the race if someone wants to be in front of you?  On the freeway, enough people getting ahead of you on a long-enough trip can put you a whole half mile behind where you would have been which would result in you being nearly thirty seconds later to your destination.  Can't they see the serious ramifications of this?

And another one: Let's not forget how important it is to show your righteous indignation when anyone on TV says something you don't agree with.  Clearly, television personalities must be smarter than the rest of us because they are on TV.  Their opinion means so much more than any one of ours because they have earned the responsibility of thinking for us.  So, the right thing to do is scream at the TV and lead a boycott against the show.  In a situation like this, nothing more important can be done with your time.  Don't even think of using that same time to work for a charity.  That would be wrong.

I almost forgot!  Righteous indignation is the correct response if you have ever eaten a Velveeta and Spam sandwich.

Oh, and here's a list of more things that should be greeted with righteous indignation because they only exist to spite you.  It is completely personal:

• Barney
• Imitation bacon bits
• Streetlights that go out as you pass under them
• Acoustic (popcorn) ceilings
• Other people's stuff
• Straws that don't work because they have a split in them
• Animals you find ugly
• Polyester
• Traffic laws
• Crying babies
• Wallpaper
• The visible spectrum to the left of yellow
• Milkweed
• Disembodied toenail clippings
• Elements you can't pronounce
• White raisins
• Barber poles
• The name "Esther"
• All cats
• The behavior of sports teams for which you don't root

This list is complete and final.  Although, I will allow that there may be one or two other appropriate targets for righteous indignation that I missed (which in and of itself would be grounds for righteous indignation).  If you think of one, put it in the comments so that I may respond with outrage.  I'll practice here:  

What is the meaning of this!? This, sir, puts an end to our friendship! Can you not see that disagreement with my point of view is unacceptable?  If you do not, you are clearly worthy of my righteous indignation.  Good day!  I said good day, sir!

The Day of the Living Vegetable Horror

At many points in life, we need to overcome our fears in order to grow as individuals and move on to achieve our goals.  Sometimes, this process is painful and can take months, if not years.  Before some can face their fears, they first need to hit rock bottom—have nothing left to lose—before the pain of facing their fears is not as severe as their everyday baseline of pain.

I was one of those people.  My health in general—and my digestive system in specific—had reached a low point.  I just didn't like vegetables other than potatoes, so I didn't eat them.

One particularly-painful day, I resolved that I would never be a slave to Immodium again.  That very afternoon, I ate my first raw carrot.  It was delicious in taste and satisfying in texture; sweet, flavorful and crunchy.  I was a new man.

From there, I branched out to green beans, jicama and broccoli.  Peas and corn were next.  Then, the wonders of succotash; even lima beans, though not technically vegetables, crossed my lips to wide acclaim from all stakeholders from my tongue to my colon.  Then, the more-exotic cauliflower, eggplant, cucumber (actually a fruit, but who knew?) cabbage and a wide array of lettuces.

My taste buds were in heaven.  My duodenum had never known such joy.  General sad pains in my abdomen were replaced with general happy rumblings and no one was more-pleased than I.

But, the final challenge still awaited.  I knew that I could not refer to myself as a true vegetable lover until the ultimate vegetable contender had been tasted, chewed, swallowed and enjoyed.  I of course am referring to The Brussels Sprout.  No other vegetable has such negative power over the human soul.  My theory is that it evolved to taste like refuse and look like a decayed animal body part so that we humans would find it too improbable to eat.  Yet, many had done so with great passion.  Who was I to question their success?  But, unlike the other vegetables I had tried, the appearance of Brussels Sprouts was so off-putting that I could not bring myself to indulge.

I mentioned earlier that fear often holds us back.  In my fight against fear, I had often enlisted education as the main weapon in my arsenal.  The Battle of the Brussels Sprout would be no exception.  I decided to research their history, taxonomy and cultivation in an effort to warm my heart to their charms.

What I discovered was so horrifying, so unexpected, so wrong that I nearly lost faith in the gastronomical arts.  The photo, above, is of a Brussels Sprout plant.  It is clearly not of this world.  No other plant on Earth resembles it and it was clearly the inspiration for "Day of the Triffids."  I could not and would not eat one.

So, now I tell you my woeful story as a defeated man.  Despite the continued success of my other vegetable forays, a Brussels Sprout shall never cross my lips.  And in this one respect, I believe that defeat makes me a better person.

Affability Plays

Some mornings when I wake up, the barking is unbearable.  It's not the volume, or the duration as much as the tone.  A dog's bark was specifically bred to command human attention.  Unfortunately, I was not bred to be non-chalant in the face of a dog's bark.

I have no real choice; I can lay in bed getting angrier or I can get up and face the day.  So, I make the healthier choice and lay in bed getting angrier.  That doesn't last very long.  Eventually, the first dog will come to the bedroom.  Invariably, they come in the same order and with the same demands:

1.    Moshe wants breakfast

2.    Gretchen is in need of a toy

3.    Thurston is troubled by something in the kitchen

4.    Abby has killed something and wishes to present it to me

5.    Christy questions what she's been told about her reasons for being here

6.    Micah can't find the homework he needs to eat

7.    Turbo is looking for work, but has no valuable skills

8.    Chrysanthemum would like someone to read her a story

9.    Horace is insecure because of his tiny, partially hairless tail

10.  Baby isn't sure what to tell the telemarketer

11.  Bubbles needs the code for the parental locks so she can watch an adult movie

12.  Maurice must confess that he wrapped his Corvette around a telephone pole while driving drunk

13.  Ed wants to tell me that my wife has left me

14.  Mary made a picture on the kitchen floor with an unusual  medium

15.  Orley has apparently developed membranes like a flying squirrel

16.  Oprah ate out of the litter box

17.  Kwai Chang Caine just wants water

18.  Brandy wants a braided chain made of finest silver from the north of Spain

19.  Griffin would like to be noticed

20.  Little Joe wants justice

21.  Nathan can't understand why things are like this

22.  Luke is preparing explosives to blow up a nearby earthen dam

23.  Monte gave Luke the idea

24.  Chester doesn't feel he can be happy unless he becomes an actor

25.  Mustapha is still working on me about getting the same damn pet bunny

26.  Harriet is in heat and can't stop listening to The Indigo Girls

27.  Monroe is finding it difficult to keep Harriet's secrets

28.  Carly is still strung out on Jesus after eating my bible

29.  Carlos thinks I don't know he misplaced my smaller crescent wrench

30.  Gloria thinks she's fat

31.  Michaela left evidence that she ate the Peridium

32.  Pam is standing on my chest

33.  Gordon has a paperclip and knows 15 ways to choke on it

34.  Gordon 2 is convinced he has cancer, but it's a tick

35.  Mary-Ellen thinks I forgot her birthday, but the surprise is coming later

36.  Tyrone is so damn happy

37.  Amanda regrets sleeping with Tyrone

38.  Daisy's eyes pierce right through me

40.  I think Persephone wants me dead

41.  Apollo rises and sets with the sun

42.  Pedro announces his love of love itself

43.  Bjorn wants to see his horoscope

44.  Mickey stole my chicken

The sloth has no demands.

Big Jack Horner

More than sixty years have passed since that fortuitous plum incident.

Little Jack Horner has grown big; very big. Thousands of life’s pies of experience, all loaded with pits, have slid down his raw, sad gullet.

Jack's pertinent stats:
• Five failed marriages

• Children not speaking to him

• Plum thumb blown off in The Gulf War

• Back-breaking baking career

• Not much of a sense of humor

Who’d have thought on that long-ago Christmas, as the friendly fire bathed him, his pie, and his special corner in cheerful radiance, and that fat plum spewed sugar down his arm, that life could be such a downer.

Jack is no longer interested in oral gratification. He seeks peace for his heart, because there isn’t enough Summer fruit in the world to pluck out the pain.

Dying of congestive heart failure and diabetes in the Brothers Grimm memorial wing, he closes his eyes. He can hear, faintly, the droning heart monitor, as a staff psychologist plumbs the depths of his psyche. She thinks it odd that he equated sticking his thumb in his food with being a good boy.