Conspiracies of Which I Have Become Aware

Just because there are a lot of insane conspiracy theorists out there doesn't mean that there are no wild and wacky conspiracies.  For example, I recently became aware that most hotel televisions have built-in cameras and, if the front desk staff likes what they see, they broadcast it live on the adult pay-per-view channels in other rooms.  But that's just the tip of the iceberg (most of which have frozen australopithecines in them, whom, despite what you've been told, had a thriving spaceflight program).  So, in an effort to enlighten you and your friends (and I would appreciate it if you'd send your friends here to read this), here is a list of the conspiracies I've discovered in the last 36 hours.  My sources are conveniently linked.

1. You've been misled regarding the origin of bagels.  They are not a donut-shaped loaf of bread.  They are actually a vegetable.  Bonus conspiracy:  Cheerios are bagel seeds.  All those bagel farmers don't want you planting your own Cheerios and putting them out of business.
2. A cauliflower actually is a cross between a collie and a flower.  You're eating the brain.  Before being harvested, cauliflowers can be housebroken.  
3. President Obama is actually 900 feet tall.  The media isn't in love with him; they're scared he'll eat them.  So, they'll do anything to hide the truth.
4. Equal (the sugar substitute in the blue packet) exists only in a quantum state.  That's why when you open the package you can immediately taste it in the air.  Before you open the packet, there is a 50% chance that it is there and a 50% chance it is being eaten by Schrodinger's cat.
5. The moon is a peep hole for our alien overlords.  They're 900 feet tall, too. President Obama is half alien overlord, half African American, and half spinner dolphin, which proves he was born in Hawaii because that's the only place where it is legal for alien overlords and dolphins to marry.  Oh, and President Obama finds voters with echo location.
6. The Sydney Opera House was once the helmet of a 900-foot war sloth that our alien overlords vanquished.
7. The Egyptian pyramids, contrary to popular conspiracy theories, were not created by aliens.  They were actually built in 1958 by the Walt Disney Company which then used its vast resources to fake all the history regarding them.  There's a roller coaster inside the Great Pyramid of Cheops that was a prototype for Space Mountain, but when Ali Mahir Pasha was killed during a private ride, it was never used again.  Bonus Conspiracy:  Egyptologists are all Imagineers.
8. Some mirrors are gateways to The Phantom Zone.  Most aren't, but don't break them because you wouldn't want to accidentally release General Zod, Jimmy Hoffa or Amelia Earhart (who was actually a people-eating were-eagle). 
9. Where does all that hot air in clothes dryers come from?  It comes from The Phantom Zone.  That's where your socks are.
10. Milk comes from milkweed.  Cows give au jus and gravy is skimmed off the top.
11. "Johnny Appleseed" is a true story, except for the fact that he didn't distribute apple seeds;  that's the cleaned-up version.  He really distributed marijuana seeds and stems from George Washington's hemp farm.
12. Barry Manilow has the power to cloud men's minds, but not women's.
13. If you have gopher holes in your lawn, check inside it to see if there are genetically-engineered 3-inch-tall Amish people in them.  It was the only way they could save themselves from the temptations of our world.
14. Yarn is made by very big spiders.
15. Dental floss is not made by large spiders.  It is made by large silkworms.
16. "Heroes" is filmed live as it happens.  It's a documentary.  
17. The real reason for washing hands after mowing the lawn is that if your skin has enough dirt on it, grass can grow on you.  Astroturf is grass that was grown on cows.
18. On the mornings when you wake up even more tired than usual knowing that you got a good night's sleep, it's because the government drugged you so they could harvest brain tissue with memories of how you saw the truth behind these conspiracies.  They use a special computer-controlled hook to pull it through your nose.  The brain tissue is dried, pressed and used to make the ceiling lining of cars.  Hence "smartcars."
19. If everything on the Earth were eliminated, except for nematodes, you'd still be able to see the outline of everything.