Recent Discoveries in Cryptozoology

As you know, cryptozoology is the study of animals that can't be proven to exist.  But, it's most famous poster children, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra, have become tiresome, much like your dog;  everyone has one.

Fortunately, the cryptozoological community has been awakened by many alleged new discoveries in recent months.  How lucky you are that I know what they are and can list them, here.

• The Toenail Fairy:  Wild but not so woolly, The Toenail Fairy is a semi-intelligent mutated macaque with the ability to fly using it's leathery, bat-like wings.  The Toenail Fairy flies into your children's rooms at night and checks to see if they've left their toenail clippings under their pillow.  If they have, it takes the clippings and rewards the tykes with a partially eaten mango.  If there is no keratin offering, the children are punished with a partially eaten mango.
• Stone Tops:  Most people have touched a stone top without even realizing it.  A stone top is a tortoise-like mammal that lives partially buried in lawns.  It feeds on grubs and insects in the roots of grass with it's 3-foot-long burrowing tongue.  Once buried, it may never have to move again.  It has a stone-like shell on its back and often camouflages itself as a stepping stone.  If you didn't place those stones yourself, you may have a stone top family living single-file in your grass.  The wobbly stones in your path are actually stone tops trying to get away when you step on them.  They can be gently pried up and moved as long as their claws are facing away from you.
• Pore Urchins:  These are very tiny parasites that slip into human pores and feed on our negative feelings about ourselves.  They are able to extend woody spines into the pore walls causing irritation and infection.  It's to their advantage to cause our faces to break out with acne, making us feel worse about ourselves which makes them larger and the acne worse.  Unfortunately, most of the teenagers which they afflict don't have enough sustained periods of happiness to starve the pore urchins.
• Air Jellies:  Composed of wispy, gossamer, nearly invisible membrane, air jellies inhale water vapor and exhale helium and oxygen.  They retain some of the helium in their balloon-like lungs and are thus able to float.  When you've felt something brush up against you only to turn and find nothing, that was an air jelly.  And when you feel a single drop of rain on a sunny day, they're peeing on you.
• Latrine Salmon:  Humans have an innate fear of relieving themselves in a dirty bathroom.  This is an evolutionary adaptation to fight the latrine salmon.  The latrine salmon is a form of paramecium with a very powerful flagellum.  It is capable of swimming up the urine stream, through the urethra and into the bladder where it secrets an enzyme that makes urine extremely acidic.  The result has cost unsuspecting Americans a fortune as their urine burns holes in their sewer pipes.
• Hog Hedges:  This surprisingly intelligent and tasty animal is a pig that camouflages itself as a hedge.  They are generally friendly unless you try to trim them.
• Hawaii:  The big island of Hawaii is actually a gargantuan, slow-moving coconut crab feeding on the bottom of the Pacific.
• Volkswagons:  The Volkswagon Beetle is actually the shell of a ginormous beetle hollowed out and mounted on a drive train.  The ginormous beetle is indigenous to Wolfsburg, Germany and a secret well-protected by the locals who don't want you to know that its milk is a primary ingredient in lagers.
• Wereweasels:  Normally a ferret, the wereweasel becomes a CIA operative when the moon is full.  It is not particularly valuable as an agent because it retains the intelligence of a ferret in both of it's forms.