Reverse Prophecy

The things you're all doing today might not turn out so well.  I can't say what will happen for sure; I'm not psychic.  But I do have a list that claims to be from the future.  It was finely etched on a tiny rock in a small envelope sealed in a 35mm film canister that bobbed up through my toilet.  I'm reprinting it here as a public service.  How much faith you put into it is up to you.

This Is A Holy Document From Your Future!
Open Now for Important Changes to Your Account!
Change of Address Requested

I am Saint Greblor.  I am not a saint as I write this, but a holy document from my future self assures me that I will soon be a saint in The Church of Your Future.  In our church, rather than relying on unreliable prophecies from the past that attempt to predict the future, we get our information directly from the future.  You will learn more about me in future communications because I like to carve stuff about myself in tiny rocks. But for now I have limited time to get important information to you.  Remember, just because I wrote this on a rock doesn't mean it's written in stone.  There is still hope.  I am sending you important, horrifying facts from my past which is your future in an effort to get you to change your evil ways, which is actually a perfect segue to my frightening chronological list.

2020
The sound from Carlos Santana's farewell guitar solo broadcast from a giant speaker on a satellite will shatter the last remaining iceberg. It's shards will be used to chill glasses of Zima, which has been brought back to great fanfare in an Internet advertising campaign starring Carlos Santana.
2021
President Palin signs a bill legalizing execution by stoning of recalcitrant children, starting with Trig who voted for Bristol.
2023
Genetic engineering produces the first talking cockroaches.  They tell us that they will happily move out of our homes if we give them the dignity of union employment with a fair wage.
2024

President Montana is the first candidate to run in character and win.

2026
Ted Williams' head is reanimated.  He later commits suicide after realizing that he can never see the game over the person in front of him.
2027
The beneficial side of global warming results in surfing competitions in West Virgina.  The not-so-good side of global warming is that some of West Virginia is still above water.
2028
The first prosthetic head is tested.  It's a small plastic box that hangs around the neck.  The first recipient, Paris Hilton (who had her real head torn off in a tragic sex tape accident), discovers that it actually makes her more intelligent.
2030
A 5-mile-wide asteroid collides with the moon.  The resulting impact crater looks just like William Shatner, actual size. Trekkers take this as a sign and start The First Church of Trek which is eventually challenged by a spin-off Church of the Next Generation.  Both churches are eventually cancelled.
2031
Genetically-engineered talking chimps, orangutans, gorillas and gibbons run a persuasive campaign to run the United Nations.  They are defeated by genetically engineered talking Fox News anchors.
2032
Disney buys the whole planet.  It is now a world of laughter, a world of tears.
2033
I carve this note.

Heed my warning.  For you, it is only 2009 and you still have time.  Stop your current President Madonna from signing the My Boy Bill and none of this will happen.  Which means that if you do stop her, I can't write this note. Which means, oh forget it.